#1) Comedian is glad to be out of the house because he has children.
#2) Comedian is last in line to be picked for football, and compares it to ethnic cleansing.
#3) Comedian travels Ryanair and complains about quality of service. Reality: they traveled 1st class.
#4) Comedian wishes to replace his genitals with something cute and furry, like a kitten or a meerkat.
#5) Comedian wishes to be racist/sexist/homophobic, but is thwarted by ‘political correctness’ which has ‘gone mad’.