#1) Comedian is glad to be out of the house because he has children.

#2) Comedian is last in line to be picked for football, and compares it to ethnic cleansing.

#3) Comedian travels Ryanair and complains about quality of service. Reality: they traveled 1st class.

#4) Comedian wishes to replace his genitals with something cute and furry, like a kitten or a meerkat.

#5) Comedian wishes to be racist/sexist/homophobic, but is thwarted by ‘political correctness’ which has ‘gone mad’.